Expectations and Agreements

In the past, you may have heard me say, Happiness = Expectations/Reality. In response, some people have shared that they like to water down their expectations, so as not to feel disappointed. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I am typically approaching everything in life like a 10 out of 10, and I do not complain if it falls short. I figure even if it did not work out, I had all that excitement in the planning and anticipation phases.

I also believe that great leadership – certainly, great servant leadership – requires you to be Clear, Consistent, and Curious. The happiness equation above raised my curiosity about clarity. Are we clear about our expectations with other people?

Jay Shetty, author of Think Like a Monk, describes the importance of agreements. Everyone has expectations. Few people make agreements, Jay explains. Think about a new couple. They come into that relationship with a lifetime of expectations. Are they going to communicate clearly enough to make agreements?

That is important if you hope to succeed. It is potentially even more important if things do not go well. What is the first thing that happens in most organizations when things do not go well? People blame other people. They act like they were helpless observers to whatever has transpired to date.

Soccer superstar Abby Wambach suggests in her book Wolfpack, when things do not go well, there are three things you can do: Claim, Blame, or Shame. Because I think the difference between shame and guilt is hard for people to distinguish, I like to ask people about claiming responsibility versus blaming others.

In soccer, players have expectations. You run to the open space; I will pass you the ball. When those expectations are not met, as Abby asks, do we claim responsibility, e.g. I could have run on a better line to the open space, or do we blame the passer?

Every time someone complains to me about the past, I ask them what they could do differently, next time, to ensure that could not happen. What can they claim? We are very quick to blame. How can we leave space for more grace and look in the mirror? I always think of ways that I could have behaved differently or approached the situation with more clarity.

Did we establish an agreement, or did we just have expectations that we failed to clearly communicate? Many times, people never communicated their expectations. They were just hoping people would behave the way they wanted them to behave.

Do we review what was discussed, and the next steps, at the end of every meeting? If you repeat what you heard, as a leader or facilitator, I can almost guarantee you will surface a misunderstanding.

We can always be clearer, and you cannot truly overcommunicate.

If you hear yourself blaming someone else – and we all do it – pause and identify one thing that you can claim. Could you have communicated that expectation more clearly? Would that have made a difference in the outcome? Do you feel you and the other person agreed about the desired outcome?

Hopefully, we will work to be clear about expectations and ensure everyone agrees about how we are moving forward.

Be clear and claim responsibility for what you can do better next time.

Thank you for living our values so well. Those values, and our mission that calls us to see through other peoples’ eyes, help us to exceed expectations. Please take great care and tell me if I can support you with anything else.

Very sincerely, Kevin